On Marks, Engineering, Depression, Unrequited Love, Destiny and Career...

When I was a kid, I seldom understood what 'Career' was all about. I used to hear people say, "Don't waste your time. Focus on your career". Then came another phase, when I heard, "Chose your career wisely". This was the part I never understood. And that is what, I'm gonna write about today.

At school, there were only two vacations. Summer and Winter. On both, I would go to my village and live there amidst paddy field, cows and goats. Summer vacation was always better. It had a reason. It didn't have a progress card.  It was in June-July, and hence I never had to worry about my vacation being spoilt by an 'interfering progress report' that the end of winter vacation was known for.

The only career-like-thought at that time was to pass in all the subjects. Well yes, I seldom did! Atleast not until my high school. I didn't fail in the conventional subjects, of course. But Hindi and Assamese gave me nightmares. So getting a decent 30 in both was the only thought throughout the year. But I failed - most of the time. My performance in the other subjects were also, at best, below average. Life was good then - however. Abba would never scold me for low marks. He would bring sweets and chicken to home, without an consideration of my progress report.

But gradually things began to change. Infact, I began to change. I started studying a bit, stopped failing and started getting average marks. And that is when everything bad started. My parents began to expect better marks. Now a pass-or-fail was not the discussion at all. A below-60 was a failure. A mid-40 began to be seen as a disaster.

However, that was all manageable until I got to the 8th standard. Now began the big expectations of doing well. I was expected to get beyond 80.5 percent in my 10th. Why 80.5 %? It's is my brother's score in the same examination. I was atleast expected to equalise it, if not better it.

I did try. I must admit. But on the day the results were declared, I almost fainted. There was this confusion regarding the percentage. It was sure that I had got Star marks (well, it is 75 %). On the next day, disaster struck. I went to school, and saw the marksheet. I got only 80 %. I had 480 marks, while my brother had 483. And this three marks, made me suffer a lot. A lot.

Then off I went to North Eastern Regional Institute of Science and Technology (NERIST), Itanagar. I was all of 15 years. But the only thing I was aware about engineers was that they build bridges, roads, etc. But weren't they built by construction workers? I had never ever seen a "real engineer" near these sites. The only thing I knew about engineering was that if you had good marks in Mathematics and Science, you would make a good engineer. I had 93 and 86 respectively. So, on these parameters, I was expected to be a good engineering student. My parents told me that I had to be the first engineer of the village. My village didn't have an engineer yet. Neither did the neighbouring villages. But well, that was not important. I was destined to suffer.

The good thing about the beginning was that I was able to chose any of the branches because of my good score in the entrance test. So, I chose Electronics and Communication Engineering, without knowing anything about it. And, that was a big mistake.

On the first few weeks, I understood that I wasn't made for it. Who the hell has seen an electron? How can anyone understand things without being able to visualise them? Now see, here was this electron who obeys so many rules. And I had to remember all these laws. I don't even remember the traffic rules, that makes so great sense. Also, these electrons would not violate the rules by moving out of its expected trajectory, direction and node. They were obedient, unlike us - mortals. And surprise of surprises, every great scientist seem to be their best friends. All of them proposed models and laws. I don't remember any of them now. Except of course, V = IR , i.e., Ohms law. But that is school standard, isn't it?

I conveyed to my parents, that I would rather go back home, and study in a local college than be at NERIST where I understood nothing. One of my greatest weakness it that I never liked reading books, atleast academic ones. You give me a fiction, I would gulp it down. Give me Sigmund Freud, I would suffer it till the last page, without a break. But don't give me B. L. Theraja (if you do not understand what it is you, are lucky. It is actually a standard electrical engineering book). I wouldn't go beyond the acknowledgements. I don't know if it was destined or just another personal demerit.

But my parents felt that returning back would be a disgrace to the family - an insult. And this was something I couldn't do. I couldn't attack my families' reputation. I had to stay. I failed in Chemistry and Mathematics. And subsequently in Physics too. I had to limp along - alone. Of course, I must accept that I had very good company. There were a few great people around me, who understood my predicament. I won't hesitate to take their names. Ekta's notes helped me on my one-night-stands with engineering. Bishwajeet Sah (Bisu) and Bharat Chandra would make me study. Bharat would come every evening before the exams, to teach me. Bisu was my room-mate and he would study a topic, and then demystify it for me and Prateek. Of course, I didn't feel ashamed of it. He was my best friend. Infact, I haven't seen anyone more hardworking than him. Truly. And Bharat was born intelligent. Didn't labour much, but always got the short cut to success. My greatest desire was not to understand the subject, but somehow get acceptable grades so that I get promoted to the next module. That was my only concern. One concern.

However, everything wasn't so bad there. There were a few occasions when I was fortunate to be hyper-active. There were various competitions, speeches, debates, etc. that I so gleefully participated in. I won quite a few too. And once, when our college had to send a team for the Chief Minister's Debate trophy, they included me in the team. I didn't win but my fellow team-mate, Mishya Joshi, did. Then there were various technical competitions, like future ideas, proto-type modelling, etc. Prateek, Bharat, Bisu and I would team together. Prateek was good at laptop-works. I mean, drawing diagrams in paint. I did the language part. Bharat and  Bisu would look after the technical part. And we did win a couple of prizes. A lot, in fact. I became an intrinsic part of the elocution community at NERIST. I still stay connected with many of them. Recently, I received a call from Rohit Rai Bhaiya, and I felt blessed.

And when I had to work on my CV recently, I had a hard time remembering all the prizes I had won at NERIST.

I was certain that there was no engineering career for me. And that is what frightened me. I knew that it would be impossible for me to get placed. Of course, I didn't want a technical job. But to go out of campus, unplaced, was a dishonour, a rejection and a disappointment. More so, for my parents. I needed something - a way out. And gradually realised that since getting a job was an impossibility, why not opt for higher studies. M. Tech was, obviously, out of the question. It had to be an MBA. But I had no love for business, finance or economics. I couldn't relate to them to. Nevertheless, since there weren't any other options I started preparing for my CAT, XAT, MAT, etc.

Being in Itanagar didn't help either. There was no coaching centres for MBA, and it was so very difficult to do it all alone. So, we formed a team for MBA. Ankita, Ekta, Pushpa, Tushar and me. We surfed the internet and got as much information we could. In fits and starts, we started preparing from Arun Sharma. Well he writes the best preparatory books for MBA tests. We ended up in Raushan Bhaiya's chamber in the Durga Puja. He was a Guest Lecturer then. And when class started, I ended up sitting on the last benches to prepare for the tests. I literally, dumped my forced marriage, with engineering.

And about that time, I fell in love with a girl. Well yes, for the second time in my life. The first was at school. But it didn't work out the way I wanted. And consequently, my behaviour caused agony to a few peoples, including her. I went into depression. Consulted two psychiatrist. And somehow managed to come back and face life again. I knew I was wrong to have caused so much of hurt. But as someone puts it, "Love is irrational". Looking back today, I would wish to change many of the things I said or did. Also a few of the SMSes I sent. 

After a few of the consultations, I was told to do certain things and most importantly, an appraisal of myself and a SWOT analysis. This, I was told, would help me plan my life better. I obeyed. And what came out of that process was that I began to realise what I really wanted to do in life. My de-facto career. I wanted to go back to my village, and aid it's progress. But then, that was simply not possible. Atleast for then.

A bit of research later, I knew what I had to do. I applied to PRADAN. I wanted to be part of the development story in rural areas. But, they gave me a cold-shoulder saying that I didn't fit into their scheme of things. So, the next choice was do a course in 'Rural Development' or 'Social Work'. I applied to IIRM (Jaipur) XISS (Ranchi) and XIM (Bhubaneswar). IRMA and TISS had already completed their process. 

XISS and IIRM had shortlisted me. I sent the cheque to IIRM. It was 1.6 lakh for the first trimester. Only my Abba knows how he arranged for that amount. I stopped asking him. I felt guilty.Then came the results of XISS. I had made to the top of the merit list. I was about to come to XISS, when SRIJAN came to the campus. I felt that  it was a God-sent opportunity. So, I purposely let the admission date of XISS to expire. I knew I would get selected at SRIJAN. But something bad happened. I wasn't selected. 

So, I made an telephonic appeal to the Asst. Director, XISS to consider my case. Of course, I lied that I had suddenly fallen sick and that's why I couldn't complete the admission procedure. And to my surprise - he agreed. My Abba came with the cash, and paid the fees at around 2.30 pm on one particular day in May, 2012. I got an phone call at 3 pm saying that I have been selected by SRIJAN as a Project Executive (Trainee). I searched for my mobile.

I called Abba to cancel my admission and take a refund of the money. But he, for once, did the right thing for me. He refused. He just had a few words to say, "Destiny has brought you to XISS, who are we to question it?".

And today, this destiny has led me to my 'supposed career' - the one I wanted to go for after NERIST. Today I'm going to a village to aid it's development. Though I will not be able to go to my village yet it hardly matters. Someone else will go to mine.

But in this journey, I still have not been able to define or understand with what I began. What is a career all about? I have never been able to understand. I still don't. And it doesn't matter. It never did!